When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being the princess in every fairy tale, rescued by my one true love and carried away to live happily ever after. I don't feel that I'm alone in that, but like most people, I grew up. Life happens, right? And we learn that fairy tales are just dreams that parents tell to their children to get them to go to bed at night. But that mentality of 'one true love' never really goes away.
Living in a society that is based around monogamy makes it easy to believe that it's that simple. Whether it's one man/one woman or two women or two men, as long as it's only two people it's not that crazy. Start talking multiple partners and I've learned that the first thing people will say is, “No!” It's just no possible to love two people equally in a romantic sense.
Ten days ago my husband asked me if we could talk about adding another partner. Now, this wasn't completely out of the blue. We had just come back from an awesome weekend with some friends and we'd shared a hotel room with two other people. Not a couple, and nothing happened besides the usual banter and harmless flirting. But it was nice sharing space with other adults that we got along with.
My husband and I have only been married for about a year and a half, but we've been living together for eight years now and we've loved each other for going on fourteen years. It's been a long and bumpy road for both of us, but it has been a happy marriage. For the most part. Apparently we've both felt that there was something missing from our lives. Where I want to expand our family vertically and have children, he wants to expand horizontally.
Marriage is a compromise and I understand that. I love my husband and want us both to be completely happy, without feeling the need to hold anything back. I like to consider myself an open minded person, so... what the hell. We're going to try it.
Don't get me wrong. I'm terrified. What if he loves this other person more, what if he loves me less? How do we handle
children? And even if I say I don't care what society thinks, it will always hurt to be shunned and looked down upon. Do we hide this? So many questions, so many issues, and only one life time to figure it all out.
Wish me luck.
The first step in my journey is here.
My husband and our girlfriend have finally had their first date. This is after much talking between she and I and she and him, so there wasn't even a kiss involved. Before now, she's been afraid of us sending her away if she had said no to anything, but now she understands that we're all in this for the long haul. This is good, now she's not afraid to keep my husband at bay physically in order to build something between them emotionally. We'll see how that goes. It definitely makes me feel better about how things are progressing.
And then my husband starts talking about how when she's ready emotionally, they'll probably progress very quickly physically. He's hoping before Valentine's Day... which is a week away. He's been talking about having her spend the night that night just to try it out, even if none of us are at the intimate stage yet. I'm fine with that, but I wasn't sure how excited she was so I proposed that we treat it as a sleep over. Blankets and pillows piled up in the living room and the like. But if they have sex before then, I don't want her staying here. Not even to sleep. Maybe that's childish of me, but I don't care.
I accept the fact that he may want to spend the night at her house. I'm not happy about it, but I accept it. And that thought has me wondering. He and I have talked a little about alternate ways of handling this. If, perchance, he were to have a woman that he loved who didn't live in our house. Some one that I wouldn't have to see or hear about. A mistress, if you will. I hate the fact that I would like that better than this. It's the thought of some one else sharing our bed. That's the big one for me.
Of course, that isn't really even an option right now. I wouldn't want to be a part of the other woman's life, and I know that our girlfriend would want she and I to go back to being friends. I prefer the out of sight, out of mind trick. I would never want to see or talk to the other woman and our girlfriend would be pretty upset about that.
For now, at least, I'm going to stay on the path that we're on. If I can keep myself from being the stubborn and obstinate woman I want to be, than this might work as a triad. It's the most beneficial all around and I really do think that everyone would be happy, myself included. I've bought some black tourmaline stone and made jewelry for myself to wear. That particular stone is said to help with jealousy and believe me, I'll be putting it to the test.
So far so good. Yay! I've been able to stay positive for the last couple of days. Oh, I've still had my moments, but overall I've been a whole lot better. Realizing that I was mourning the loss of the relationship that my husband and I had has made it a lot easier to let go of. Of course he's been out of town for four days and has just now gotten back. There's always the chance that when the two of them are alone together I might regress, but I really don't feel as though that will happen. Not truly anyway. I'm sure that I'm going to have my bad days, but having come from weeks of not having any good days, I'll take that in a heart beat.
My big fear now is that the lines of communication between the three of us are not as clear as they could be. She and I had our first date last night and it was great. I'd forgotten how much I love her company. We were cliché and did dinner and a movie, but I really enjoyed it. We talked so much and that was very needed. But I fear that she's so afraid that we'll send her away if she says or does anything wrong, that she's not being completely open. Possibly she's not even being honest with herself. I just want to know what she wants and what she's feeling but all of her answers are so diplomatic that there really isn't an answer in there.
We, the three of us, really need to sit down and sort through the he said/she said to find out what each of us are truly feeling. I know that it'll take time, as each of us becomes more comfortable we'll all open up more. I'm just going to bask in this contentment for awhile. Here's to hoping that it'll last.
So much has happened and yet I feel that so little has changed. Since my last post, they have spent time together alone, I've expressed a fair amount of anger, they've kissed and I've had to teach her how to hide hickeys. There are just no words.... The hardest part of all of this is that I have no one to be angry with. On a positive note, I've realized that I am going through the stages of grief.
Stage One – Shock and Denial:
The shock kept me fairly numb to the whole emotional aspect of the idea. It was easy to see the benefits of the situation and why wouldn't I want my husband to be happy? That however didn't last for very long.
Stage Two – Pain and Guilt:
Once the numbness had worn off I could feel the pain, and it hurt so much. I'm not sure if I've ever felt emotional pain so strongly before, and with that came the guilt. Why couldn't I just accept it? I knew that seeing me in pain was hurting my husband and my girlfriend, but I couldn't make it stop and that just made me feel even worse. That and I knew that they were holding back on my account. If I weren't there they would have been moving so much faster, wouldn't it be better to just leave and get out of the way? My husband, though, he knows me better than anyone. He was constantly reassuring me, making sure that I always felt wanted and loved. And while that did help the pain, it worsened the guilt.
Stage Three – Anger and Bargaining:
This one came on swiftly, and overlapped with the guilt and still hasn't quite left me yet. I hate that they texted each other during the day, I hate that I can tell when he's had his hands in her hair. I hate that he loves her already. I've been very good, I think, at controlling my outbursts, I've only really lost my temper twice. The first time being when I came home to see her hair ruffled and the second being the first time they were supposed to go out just the two of them. They didn't end up going, yet.
So I thought about it, my husband wants another partner the way that I want a child. A fundamental need, never feeling complete without it. So what if we compromised, no extra partner and no children? It didn't take me long at all to realize how unhappy we would both be in that situation. That's not what I want at all.
Stage Four – Depression, Reflection and Loneliness:
My world has gone from full of color to shades of gray. My husband worries that he and I have traded places. That was how he had seen the world until this all started and now he has vibrant colors. I hate that I'm hurting him by feeling this way, but that only makes the sadness worse. I want to pull away, hide in a corner or a dark closet. If I'm not there, then I can be sad and not hurt him. I miss him so much, though. Even when he's here and holding me, I miss him so much. I'll never be able to find the words to stress how much. I know, though, that even if we stopped now our relationship will never go back to how it was.
My bright spot in all of this is that the next stage is 'the upward turn.' This is my happy thought right now, the thought that I'm clinging to. I'm rational enough to recognize that when I wish for things to be like they were before, it's a lie. I tell myself how happy I was, but I wasn't, not really, and neither was he. We were both missing something, and no matter how much we loved each other that wouldn't change. Maybe, if I can get through the grief I have for my marriage and the life that I've lost, then we can all get to a place where none of us are left wanting.
- Current Music:Rose's Theme / Doomsday
Today is a good day. I'm feeling tons better about the whole endeavor. Last night was supposed to be the first date of my husband and girlfriend (that is really gonna take a long time to get use to). I wasn't ready for that but I didn't want to tell them not to go. I felt guilty for being insecure. Logically, I know that eventually it will happen, and as long as it's only a vague concept some time in the future, I have no problem with it.
The three of us are going out with a group on Saturday. It'll be our first outing as a trio and I'm kinda excited. It helps that we're going somewhere that I really want to go, hehehe. I've asked if she wants to go on a date next week, just the two of us. I feel a little bad about that, because I didn't want my husband and her to go on a date, and now I'm trying to go on one with her. But I think it'll be easier if she and I go out alone first. Yes, we were friends before this, we've spent time alone together, but this will definitely be different. I think, also, that if I have a few days notice before they go out then I'll have time to adapt to the idea.
My husband's having a really hard time with all of this. He's spent his entire life repressing his emotions and biology and now that he has the opportunity to be himself, she and I are asking him to go slow. I can't even imagine how hard that is, but I'm worried that if we rush things too much, they'll all fall apart. We're just going to have to do this one day at a time. That's all that we can do. I have faith that we'll make this work.
Today is definitely a downhill day on my emotional roller coaster. All that I can think is that I hate this. I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I just want to get up, go to work (which is new), come home and go to bed. If I don't have to interact with anyone, all the better. I know that I should be talking to my husband and my girlfriend (which is still weird for me to think), but all I want to do is avoid them. At the same time, I don't want them to associate me with negative feelings and emotions, especially when they'll have such positive emotions from each other. And there in lies the issue.
Tonight my husband and our girlfriend will be going on their first date alone. Just dinner, get to know one another a bit better, and I'll be home eating ice cream for my meal. I just want to cry, I need to cry. One good, big sob fest to get it out of my system, but I'm just as angry as I am sad. Which in turn makes me feel guilty.
I do want this to work, I really do. For a lot of reasons, the biggest being that this is the only way for me to have a truly happy marriage with the man that I love. If I can stop feeling so angry and just let myself be sad then I can cry about the whole thing and move on. I just haven't figured out how to do that yet.
The kicker to all of this is that the one person I would have turned to, went to for advise, used as a shoulder to cry on, is the one my husband will be eating with tonight. It's been a long time since I've felt this alone. Yeah... found my tears. I do feel a bit better now.
Surprisingly, I'm not even mad at her. All of my bitter, angry feelings and sort of a jumble spread between me and my husband. I'm angry at him for asking me to do this, hurt that I'll never be enough on my own. Disappointed and angry at myself that I'm not able to just accept all of this and move on.
All of this right after a positive mile stone, too. Two nights ago the three of us cuddled together for the first time. It started out awkward and at the first excuse I ran away, but when I came back we talked. She and I, just the two of us, sat down and talked about fears and what we want and it was good. I was happy, and content with the three of us.
Maybe I feel that it's all just moving too fast. But I'm so afraid that if I protest anything, then if it doesn't work it'll be my fault. I thought that I was long over my trust issues and insecurities. I really hate to see them all brought to the front again. I'm fine, even close to happy with the three of us where I can see everything. It's when I'm in front and they're behind me, or out together with out me like tonight, that I have a problem. But I have to get over it, and maybe the best way is to just suck it up and deal with things as they happen. I'm a master procrastinator, if things were left up to me they would never advance. My husband says I'm better and coping than planning. Maybe it's good to be moving this fast, the bandage approach if you will; just rip it off.
I was hoping that writing all of this would help, and I guess it has a bit, but I still hate this whole situation. I'm hoping that my roller coaster will change again and send me uphill. I have this feeling that I'm not going to want to come home tonight and that thought is almost enough to start me crying again.
My husband would like me to be the one to find our new partner, male or female. I'll be one the who has the hardest time adjusting, so I guess that makes sense. Funny enough, I know just the person. Six days ago we asked my best friend if she'd like to join us and three days ago she said yes. She's the only person that I can think of that this will work with.
I trust her. At least as much as I've trusted any of my friends. And she is unique, being 30 years old and having never been in a relationship before. She has no preconceived notions of how a relationship should be. She and I are also very similar in body type, so I don't feel as insecure about being replaced physically as I would be if we were trying this with some one ten sizes smaller than me.
My husband has called her our unicorn, or white buffalo. Basically saying that she's almost too good to be true for what we're looking for. She's this perfect blend of him and me, it's almost bizarre. She and I share hobbies and a lot of likes and dislikes, but she's also got his analytical nature. But most importantly, she understands that I will need to be the alpha female... to put it bluntly. Whether that will change with time or not, we'll see.
I have my good days, when I can see the end goal and the happy family we'll be striving to be. Right now, though, not so much. If we call this whole endeavor a roller coaster, then I'm on the emotional downhill. I'm typing this, sitting in a mostly dark closet, because I just want to be away from it all. There have been times this past week when I don't want to go home. I want to just keep driving. It doesn't matter where I end up, what matters is that I don't have to deal with all of this. My husband wants our home to feel safe, for me to never associate it with bad feelings. But we only talk about all of this in our home. This is where the new 'relationship' lives. I feel free of it in public. And I hate that.
I don't want to share my husband, he's mine. I don't want to share our home, that's mine too. I know that thinking's not healthy, but it is normal. The usual two person relationship is usually a mutual possession. How do I still own my husband while sharing him and vice versa? There are times when I just want an empty house, everyone out. But that never includes my husband, he is my home. How could I ever incorporate another person into that?
I tell myself and my husband that I respect him as a person, but that's very obviously not true. If it was, then I wouldn't think of him as a possession to own. I'm just not sure how to get passed those feelings. No matter my fears or reservations, I'm still going to go through with all of this. Waiting for my feelings, my entire thought process to change, isn't going to happen. Maybe by practicing, I can learn to believe it.
My husband is not a possession. I do not own him. I have no problem sharing him because I am secure in myself and our relationship. He will not love me any less. I will not be the outsider in this new relationship.
Maybe if I tell myself these things enough, I'll eventually know them to be true.